


AWAY WE GO!

by Jantique



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: M/M, Song Parody, revue
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-08-30
Updated: 2011-08-30
Packaged: 2017-10-23 06:36:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,594
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/247284
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jantique/pseuds/Jantique
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A musical revue based on songs from the musical 'Oklahoma!'. Song parodies. Super-filk!</p>
            </blockquote>





	AWAY WE GO!

**Author's Note:**

> Based on songs from the musical play "Oklahoma!" (The working title of which was, "Away We Go!"). With due respects and apologies to Messrs. Rodgers and Hammerstein. Absolutely No Plot Whatsoever, just songs - that's why it's called a revue. Go ahead - Sing Along! Aloud if you dare!
> 
> Nota Bene: I have changed almost all accents and dialectal spellings to Standard American English. This in NO way is meant to denigrate or disrespect Oklahoma, Oklahoma accents or the people who use them. This was done to make understanding easier for the reader, and because I just don't believe any of the current SGC personnel would speak with a 1907 Oklahoma accent. Mea culpa.

####    
**INTRODUCTION**   


Wherein we meet the Dramatis Personae:

Major General GEORGE Hammond  
Colonel JACK O'Neill  
Major SAM Carter  
Doctor DANIEL Jackson  
TEAL'C, Resident Alien  
Doctor JANET Fraiser  
Colonel HARRY Maybourne  
ARIS Boch, Bounty Hunter  
Major LOU Ferretti  
SCIENTISTS (GEEKS)  
SOLDIERS/MARINES (JARHEADS)  
SHA'RE (a.k.a. "SHAU'RI") bat Kasuf-Jackson  
GOA'ULDS  
ALL (Chorus)

~~~

####    
**SCENE 1**   


Gate room, Stargate Command, Cheyenne Mountain, Colorado, USA, Earth. Present day.

GEORGE:  
There's a bright, turquoise haze on the Stargate,  
There's a bright, turquoise haze on the Stargate.  
This ring is a doorway through which we explore,  
With a thousand adventures just waiting in store!

Oh, what a beautiful Stargate,  
What a fantastic career.  
At last we're in charge of our fate.  
No place where I'd be but here.

Oh, I've traveled all over this planet,  
Oh, I've traveled all over this planet.  
But nothing compares to the sight that you see  
When you look in the sky and spot two moons - or three!

Oh, what a beautiful portal.  
Oh, what a wonderful place.  
No longer are we merely mortal -  
Earth has moved out into Space.

There's a price to be paid for exploring.  
There's a price to be paid for exploring.  
We've made some new friends, and some enemies, too.  
But _Not Giving Up_ \- well, that's what humans do!

Oh, what a beautiful morning,  
Oh, what a beautiful day.  
A whole new era is dawning,  
Humanity's on its way.  
Oh, what a beautiful day.

Meanwhile, somewhere in the Galaxy....

Sung by a "swaggering, overbearing, tin-plated dictator with delusions of godhood" - no, wait, that's what the Klingon called Captain Kirk. Okay, make it **ANY GOA'ULD**.

( _to the tune of "Oh, What A Beautiful Mornin'")_

There's a bright, golden haze on the corpses,  
There's a bright, golden haze on the corpses,  
I zapped one or two with my ribbon device,  
And I always fire my zat'ni'katel twice.

Oh, what a beautiful mornin',  
Oh, what a beautiful day,  
I've got a beautiful feelin'  
Everything's goin' my way.

Oh, the Jaffa are standing like statues,  
Oh, the Jaffa are standing like statues,  
They don't turn their heads - but they bow down to me,  
And they snap to attention when I order "Kree!"

Oh, what a beautiful mornin',  
Oh, what a beautiful day,  
I've got a beautiful feelin'  
I'll enslave someone today.

All the sounds of my voice are like music,  
All the sounds of my voice are like music,  
Just one little thing is still troubling me,  
I can't seem to kill off those pesky Tau'ri!

Oh, what a beautiful mornin',  
Oh, what a beautiful glee.  
I've got a beautiful feelin'  
I am a great Deity!  
Oh, what a beautiful ME!

~~~

####    
**SCENE 2**   


(In "Stargate The Movie", remember the mastodon that dragged Daniel across the desert? That's a **mastadge**.)

Daniel reminisces about his life with Sha're on Abydos. (Fuzzy pastel images, Vaseline(R) over the camera lens, et cetera.)

SHA'RE: Oh, Danyel, I would love to go with you to the dance. But it's too far to walk.

DANIEL: Walk?! You shouldn't walk, Sha're, you should ride like the princess you are!

SHA'RE: Ride? But how?

DANIEL: Sit down on a sand dune, darling, and I'll tell you all about it!

 _(to the tune of, "The Surrey With the Fringe on Top")_

When I take you out tonight with me  
Honey, here's the way it's goin' to be.  
You will set atop a nest of silken pillows  
In the slickest gig you ever see... .

Chicks and ducks and geese gonna falter,  
When they see our beast in his halter,  
When I take you out on the mastadge  
With the fringe on top!

He can run for miles and for hours,  
His fur will keep you safe from showers,  
Don't laugh - hey, he's paid for and ours!  
Our big, hairy mop!

The reins are silver, the bridle is gold,  
The saddle's genuine leather.  
But hang the cost, I'm a happy man  
As long as we two are together!

Two bright, brown eyes winkin' and blinkin'  
Ain't no finer ride, I'm a-thinkin'  
You can keep your ride, if you're thinkin' that I'd care to swap  
My tame mastadge with the saddle with the princess on top!

~~~

####    
**SCENE 3**   


While on a visit to Chulak, Teal'c is questioned by curious Jaffa wanting to know about Earth and Stargate Command. Teal'c explains it all to you.

 _(to the tune of "Ev'rythin's Up To Date In Kansas City")_

Everything's up to date in Cheyenne Mountain,  
They've gone about as far as they can go.  
They've got a secret facility there that goes 28 stories down,  
About as low as a building ought to go!  
They've heated and air-conditioned Cheyenne Mountain,  
You never worry about scraping off the snow.  
It costs a couple million just to turn on the Stargate,  
Their weapons and equipment are all brand-new, first-rate,  
But in the mess hall they're still serving last week's Meat Loaf Plate!  
It's gone about as far as it can go. ( _Yes, Sir!_ )  
It's gone about as far as it can go!

Everything's up to date in Cheyenne Mountain,  
They get "Wormhole X-treme", my favorite show.  
It's action and adventure, going seven seasons strong,  
About as long as a series ought to go!  
Everything's up to date in Cheyenne Mountain,  
I'll tell you about my teammates, so you'll know.  
There's MajorSamanthaCarter, who never has a second date,  
And DoctorDanielJackson, who usually is Late,  
But ColonelJackO'Neill's the one the Goa'ulds really hate!  
They've gone about as far as they can go. ( _Yes, Sir!_ )  
They've gone about as far as they can go.

Everything's up to date in Cheyenne Mountain,  
They've got their act, and taking it on the road.  
A million friendly worlds out there for the Tau'ri to explore -  
But someone needs to tell them where to go!  
Everything's up to date in Cheyenne Mountain,  
ColonelO'Neill himself has told me so.  
JackO'Neill is the leader of the famous SG-1.  
He's professional, diplomatic and has many battles won.  
"Nothing says 'We come in peace' " - his very words - "like a gun."  
They've gone about as far as they can go. ( _Yes, Sir!_ )  
They've gone about as far as they can go.

~~~

####    
**SCENE 4**   


**SAM'S LAMENT**

 _(to the tune of, "I Cain't Say No")_

It ain't so much a question of not knowin' what to do.  
I've known what's right and wrong since I've been 10.  
I've heard a lot of stories and I reckon they are true,  
About how girls get their revenge on men.  
Poor boys! They'll only suffer if they stay;  
If I care, I should tell them "GO AWAY!" **BUT** -

I'm just a girl who can't say "Go!"  
At picking men, I just suck.  
I always say, "Come on, let's go!"  
Just when I ought to say "Duck!"

When an alien tries to kiss a girl,  
She really ought to stop and check her breath.  
But as soon as an alien kisses me,  
I always give him back the Kiss of Death!

I'm just a fool when lights are low,  
My sex drive needs some restraint.  
Soon as I kiss them, they faint!  
I'd like to file a complaint!  
I cain't say "Go!"

What you goin' to do when a feller gets flirty,  
And starts to talk dirty?  
What you goin' to do?  
Supposin' he says he likes girls on your planet,  
And doesn't want Janet -  
What you goin' to do?

Supposin' that he says if you give him your cat  
He'll make your pussy glad?  
What you goin' to do when he talks that way -  
Report him to Dad?!

I'm just a girl who can't say "Go!"  
Can't seem to say it at all.  
Soon as I meet a Romeo,  
His planet's due for a fall.

For a while I act refined and cool,  
Just like the scientist I want to be,  
Then I think of that old Golden Rule,  
And do to him what the Goa'uld would do to me!

I've really got an awful rep,  
I still don't know I did!  
Even when I was a kid,  
The other kids called me 'Black Wid-'  
-oh! I can't say "Go!"

~~~

####    
**SCENE 5**   


**Aris Boch, Bounty Hunter** From the episode, "Deadman Switch". A suave, urbane man of many talents (just ask him). Relentless in the pursuit of his target, but practical, unperturbed by the loss of both his quarry and his ship. It's not like he doesn't have more of both - the man always has a back-up plan. So, you win some, you lose some.

 _(to the tune of, "Many a New Day")_

ARIS:  
 _(spoken_ )  
Why should a man who is healthy and strong Blubber like a baby if his quarry gets away? A-weepin' and a-wailin' over things gone wrong, That's one thing you'll never hear me say! Never gonna think that the prey I lose is the only man among men. I'll snap my fingers to show I don't care; I'll buy myself some new armor to wear; I'll load my gun and I'll brush my hair, And start all over again.

 _(sung_ ) Many a new prize will please my eye, many a new catch elude me; Never've I once looked back to sigh over the posse that pursued me; Many a new day will dawn before I do!  
Many a wanted man may get away, that won't bring me sorrow.  
If I don't catch my prey today, I'll get him tomorrow. Never've I wondered what to say; trouble's not to borrow. Many a new day will dawn before I do!

Other men simply envy me,  
Women long to get me.  
Why should I let a wannabe like Boba Fett upset me?  
Many a new day will dawn before I do!

Many a prize purse may slip my clutch, a prize is where you find it. Never've I wondered very much, the why and what's behind it. Never've I been such a soft touch; don't ask me if I mind it! Many a new day will dawn before I do!  
Many a new day will dawn -  
Many a red sun will set -  
Many a blue moon will shine before I do!

 _He walks away whistling._

~~~

####    
**SCENE 6**   


Jack and Daniel have a very real problem: Don't Ask, Don't Tell and Don't Get Caught.

 _(to the tune of, "People Will Say We're In Love")_

DANIEL: Why do they think up stories that link my name with yours?  
JACK: Why do the neighbors gossip all day behind their doors?  
DANIEL: I know a way to prove what they say is quite untrue, Here is the gist, a practical list of "don'ts" for you.

Don't carry books for me,  
Don't help with my backpack,  
Say "rock", don't say "artifact",  
People will say we're in love.  
Don't bait fish hooks for me,  
Don't say I look hunky,  
DON'T call me "Spacemonkey"!!!  
People will say we're in love.  
Don't stand watch at night with me,  
'Til the stars fade from above. They'll see it's all right with me. People will say we're in love.

JACK:  
Some people claim that you are to blame in equal measure.Why should our private lives be a source of mess hall pleasure?  
I know full well, "Don't ask and don't tell", but let me posit,  
You've a strange way of letting us stay inside the closet.

Don't shoot long looks at me,  
Hide gifts you give to me.  
Don't say that you live with me,  
People will say we're in love.  
Don't hide in nooks with me,  
Try not to die so much.  
When you die, I cry so much.  
People will say we're in love.  
Don't watch my hockey games.  
When I'm rude, give me a shove.  
Sweetheart, they'll start calling names,  
People will say we're in love.

BOTH:  
Don't blow your cover now,  
Remember regs come from above.  
They'll see you're my lover now,  
People will say we're in love.

~~~

####    
**SCENE 7**   


**JANET'S LAMENT**

 _(to the tune of, "I Cain't Say No"- reprise)_

JANET:  
What you goin' to do when a girl gets a kink,  
And maybe starts to think  
That aliens are hot?  
What you goin' to do when she writes in her journal  
She's lusting for her Colonel,  
Who's lusting for her - NOT!

What you goin' to do when she just can't see  
The prize right under her nose?  
How do I get Sam to look at me -  
Step on her toes?!

She's just a girl who can't say "Go!"  
Why can't I get her to see  
Those men will just bring her sorrow.  
Hey, Sam! Down here! Look at ME!

For a person who's a genius-type,  
Sometimes my lovely Sammie isn't smart.  
Face it, most men aren't worth the hype,  
But I can offer courage, brains and heart!

I've got the hots in a Major way;  
We could be so good in bed.  
What good is tall, dark and dead?!  
Next time, try a cute redhead!  
I won't say "No"!

~~~

####    
**SCENE 8**   


The SGC personnel mourn a tragic loss. Again.

 _(to the tune of "Pore Jud is Daid")_

GEORGE:  
Poor Daniel's dead. Doctor Jackson is dead.  
We all will mourn the loss of his great brain.

ALL:  
But it's the same old thing,  
He does this every Spring,  
And now he's gone and died on us again.

JANET:  
Poor Daniel's dead. Daniel Jackson is dead.  
We'll miss his kindness and his clarity.

ALL:  
But we've been through this before,  
We can't afford it any more,  
And no one's chipping in for charity.

SAM:  
Poor Daniel's dead. Once more Daniel's dead.  
We wonder if we'll ever get him back?

ALL:  
We don't want to sound merry,  
But there's no corpse we can bury,  
And the last flowers we bought have all turned black.

TEAL'C:  
Poor Daniel's dead.

ALL:  
Newsflash! Daniel's dead.

JACK:  
It still can bring a teardrop to your eye.

ALL:  
But we're nobody's fool -  
Sergeant Siler won the pool,  
For date and time when Daniel would next die.

~~~

####    
**SCENE 9**   


Post "Watergate". You can't keep a good man down - or even a rogue NID agent.

In the Gateroom, red lights flash, klaxons sound and the Public Address system announces, "Unidentified intruder on Level Five. Repeat, Unidentified intruder... ." _Et cetera_. All Marines present proceed posthaste to Level Five.

After a minute or two, we see a familiar face peeking surreptitiously around the open blast door. Seeing that he's alone, Colonel Harry Maybourne (Ret.) strolls up to the Ramp, nattily attired in Full Dress Uniform. The klaxons segue to unseen violins, as he dramatically bursts into song.

HARRY:  
"When I take you out tonight with me  
Honey, here's the way it's goin' to be -"

SG-1 runs into the Gateroom excitedly, all talking at once.

HARRY: "Hi, Jack."

JACK: "You rat bastard!"

HARRY: "Teal'c. It's good to see you well."

TEAL'C: "In my culture, I would be well within my rights to dismember you."

JACK: "I am SO gonna kick your ass!"

HARRY: "If you hit me, I'll have you court marshaled, Colonel."

JACK: "I'm not gonna hit you, Maybourne. I'm gonna shoot you."

SAM: "Maybourne, you are an idiot every day of the week. Why couldn't you have just taken one day off?"

HARRY: "All right, ALL RIGHT already!" Carefully brushing himself off (who knows what kind of alien cooties they're carrying?), he thinks for a minute. "Don't worry; I've got something you'll like MUCH better." SG-1 eases off, adopting a wait-and-listen attitude. He begins again.

 _(to the tune of "Out of My Dreams")_

HARRY:  
Out of my cell and into the Gate I long to fly,  
Earth's too small a scope for men of vision such as I.  
I could be King Harry the First on some hick planet.  
When alerts are low, then I'll be breaking through,  
Then out of my cell I'll go,  
Somewhere I'll start anew!

When he finishes, SG-1 stands frozen, their jaws hanging slack. Whether it's Harry's _chutzpah_ , his singing, the legendary Maybourne pheromones or a combination of all three, who can say? Harry politely doffs his hat, bows (missing the Gate's sudden _ka-whoosh_!), and strolls off into the blue - literally. **In his dreams**.

~~~

####    
**SCENE 10**   


Major General GEORGE Hammond, SCIENTISTS (GEEKS) and MARINES (JARHEADS). Note: I KNOW. They're Marines. But the word "soldier" breaks better and adds sibilance, okay? Semper fi.

( _to the tune of, "The Farmer and the Cowman_ )

GEORGE:  
Oh, the scientist and soldier should be friends,  
Oh, the scientist and soldier should be friends.

JARHEADS:  
One man likes to shoot his gun,  
The other's apt to turn and run -  
But that's no reason why they can't be friends!

ALL:  
Terra Tau'ri folks should stick together,  
All part of the human race.  
We've got plenty of enemies,  
Attacking us from outer space.

SCIENTIST:  
I'd like to say a word for the soldier.  
If there are any dangers, he will brave 'em.  
And later, just for jokes, he'll shoot up local folks,  
When SGC expressly came to save 'em!

GEORGE:  
Oh, the scientist and soldier should be friends.  
Oh, the scientist and soldier should be friends,

GEEKS:  
One likes to dig in the dirt,  
The other can cause a world of hurt -  
But that's no reason why they can't be friends!

ALL:  
Terra Tau'ri folks should stick together,  
Terra Tau'ri folks should all be pals.  
Soldiers drink in the scientists' quarters,  
Scientists dance with the soldier gals!

SOLDIER:  
I like to say a word for the scientist.  
He's brilliant but he doesn't follow orders.  
He blindly jumps into uncharted waters.

SEVERAL VOICES:  
If it's Daniel, best lock up your sons and daughters!

SAM CARTER: "Hey, what about ME?"

ALL:  
Oh, the scientist and soldier should be friends,  
And the left brain and the right brain and both ends.  
A scientist, she's always calm,  
While building a bigger and better bomb -

JANET:  
Her personalities can both be friends!

~~~

####    
**SCENE 11**   


FLASHBACK, NEAR THE END OF SEASON 6. Jack has trouble dealing with Daniel's Ascension. He misses him when he's gone - but when he appears, it's worse! With his famous patience, tact and diplomacy, he subtly tries to ascertain his former teammate and lover's intentions, as Daniel's spirit hovers near the coffeemaker, trying to sniff the aroma.

 _( to the tune of, "All Er Nuthin' ")_

(With thanks to Wererider13)

JACK  
( _spoken_ ) I go and sow my last wild oat,  
But that's not why I'm groanin'.  
You gotta know I never looked  
At that skinny-ass Kelownan.  
You drop by to say "Hi!", but you don't help  
When I'm tortured by that devil.  
Before you disappear again,  
Tell me if you're on the level!

( _sung_ ) With me it's all or nothin'. Is it all or nothin' with you? It can't be "in between" It can't be "now and then" No half and half romance will do! Miss you a lot, but I  
Wish you could see  
What your visits are doin' to me.  
Give me all you are, or leave me be!  
If you can't give me all, give me nothin'  
And nothin's what you'll get from me!

DANIEL  
Not even coffee?

JACK  
Nothin's what you'll get from me!

DANIEL  
With you it's all or nothin',  
All for you and nothin' for me.  
You think I LIKE to die?  
You think I LIKE the pain?  
You think - oh, I forgot, No Brain!  
I'm doing my best; I do what I can.  
If Oma finds out, you-know-what hits the fan.  
Hey, first time that I died, it was for YOU!  
But if you need me there in the flesh, I  
Guess mortal's what I'll have to do.

JACK ( _hopefully_ )  
Will you be naked?!!

DANIEL ( _sigh_ )  
Mortal's what I'll have to do!

~~~

####    
**SCENE 12**   


GATE ROOM All past, current and future members of SGC ( _not Jonas Quinn_!) are present, plus Abydonians, Asgard, Jaffa, Nox, Re'tu, Tok'ra, Tollans and Unas ... it's crowded. GEORGE and SG-1 are standing in a clear space in front of the ramp.

PROLOGUE

DANIEL: So, Sam, are we matter or energy when we actually go through the wormhole the Stargate creates?

SAM (biting lip): Err ... not exactly. There is molecular ... umm ...

JACK (seeking clarity): 'Molecular UMM?!' 'Not exactly' WHAT, Carter?!

SAM: Well, sir, as everyone knows, there are six known states of matter: gases, liquids, solids, plasma, Bose-Einstein condensate and fermionic condensate. ( _Everyone tries to look like, yeah sure, we knew that.)_ The Stargate phenomenon doesn't seem to be any of them. It's ... a brand new state.

GEORGE ( _singing_ ): Soon we'll be living in a brand new state.ALL:Brand new state! Brand new state, gonna treat you great!  
Stargate farts - er, goes _ka-whoosh_!, fortunately missing everyone.

( _to the tune of "Oklahoma!"_ )

GEORGE:  
It's the Stargate!  
Where the wind comes sweeping shades of blue.

LOU:  
And the ripples there - neither water nor air -  
Are frelling freezing to walk through!

JACK:  
It's the Stargate!  
Every time my archeologist and I  
Get alone and spoon beneath three moons,  
We wonder where Earth is up in the sky.

SAM & DANIEL:  
We exist in a strange, brand new state,  
And the state we exist in is great!

TEAL'C:  
So when I see  
That blue light twinkling at me,  
I know it's saying,

ALL:  
"Welcome to a new adventure!"  
It's the Stargate, SG!

ALL ( _softly, but rising_ ): It's the - Stargate. It's the - Stargate. It's the - Stargate. It's the - Stargate.

SAM & DANIEL:  
We exist in a strange, brand-new state,  
And the state we exist in is great!

TEAL'C:  
So when I see  
That blue light twinkling at me,  
I know it's saying,

ALL:  
"Welcome to a new adventure!"  
It's the Stargate, S - T - A - R - G - A - T - E,  
IT'S THE STARGATE!

 **FINIS**. Company bows, to much acclaim, applause and feedback. No rotten tomatoes, please.

 


End file.
